I have always had a fascination with all things morbid. Anyone who would look at my library records might be alarmed because the book that I check out most often is called The Killer Book of Serial Killers by Tom Philbin. No, there is nothing wrong with me psychologically; I am purely interested in the different theories and causations of homicide and suicide, rather than the literal act of it. My interest is no secret to my friends, who brought to my attention a suicide seminar on November 16th. At first, I thought it was going to be a suicide awareness/prevention seminar, but it was actually centered on case studies of people that have committed suicide and who have left behind journals. Of course I was interested; it was a great opportunity to get into the minds of those who felt suicide was their only viable option.

The first case study was an 18 year old girl named Katie. She was the sister of a student at Stockton, and after her death, her journal was given to Professor Lester to analyze. What was interesting was that the last few months before Katie’s suicide, she was more composed and calm, and never mentions the word suicide in her writings. This makes sense because there is a certain peace that comes from making the final decision and Katie’s writings became more positive as the journal came to it’s conclusion. Although seemingly contradictory, many times the word suicide is not used because a person does not want to accept this word, due to it’s negative connotations. She may accept the fact that this is her solution, yet may have trouble writing the actual word down. Most of Katie’s journal entries reflected a very insecure person; someone who is caught up in a vicious cycle of self-deprecation. This becomes a running theme in many of the journal entries of other people as well.
Robert was a professor who felt very paranoid about his work and believed that people were out to get him. He believed himself to be a fraud and that he was essentially an idiot. He also felt impotent when it came to being with his wife. All of these insecurities ultimately led him to his suicide. A similarity between Robert’s journal entries and Katie’s was that they were both adept at listing their downfalls, and where they failed as human beings. Another similarity is that near the end of Robert’s journal entries, he, too, had an emotional shift where he becomes more positive and composed. He has found the solution as well, and that solution was suicide.
The most compelling notion of the seminar did not come during the presentation itself, but afterwards during the question and answer portion. Someone asks the professor if writing in a journal was beneficial or detrimental to these people who have committed suicide. Obviously, the journals provide us with an intimate look into these individual’s minds prior to their final acts, but sometimes these journals can be written with a certain idea that they will sometime, in the future, be seen by other eyes. This may skew the truth and actual intimacy of the journals, if the author is writing it for an audience. Also, especially with Katie, who spent hours and hours cooped up in her bedroom writing horrid things about herself, might have benefited from not having a journal. In the end, we cannot safely say there is a tidy solution to suicide. There are no sufficient conditions for one to commit suicide, although there are many similarities between individuals. The main idea is that suicide, in itself, cannot be understood, but one may be able to understand the individual who commit suicide.